Why, even in prosperous families, we often live so unhappy, with longing for our eyes? Family Psychologist Inna Schifanova reflects on scarce love – the source of neurosis of many modern people.

It seems to us that we are marriage by love and for the sake of love. But for some reason, love in us is more often awaken by beautiful and successful people. Maybe behind our feeling is still hiding, albeit unconscious, calculation? I propose to honestly look at yourself, surrounding and listing possible reasons for marriage:

  • Love
  • understanding and tender deficiency
  • Social expectations
  • increasing status
  • Fear of old age and loneliness
  • Drink a former partner
  • the notorious glass of water, which is nobody to serve in old age

You can continue this list. If desired, the number of reasons can be brought to a hundred, and in life there is still some unaccounted for. Love, mind you, in this list takes only one position.

So, from the ambiguity of the word “love”, we have separated the feeling by the “marriage concluded in heaven” or “being love” by excluding the exclusion. The ability to be love given by nature is not preserved by every of the people. She includes:

  • self -esteem
  • The desire for creativity
  • The desire for development
  • spontaneity
  • internal freedom

All these are the highest needs. All other motives of marriage are associated with the need to eliminate the vital deficiency of self -confidence, attention and intimacy. Often marriage becomes a method of increasing social status. When a person uses his sexuality for the sake of such goals, a special type of relationship arises (unfortunately, the most common) – scarce love. It is she who is the source of neurosis of “prosperous families”.

With scarce love, a person does not rely on his own personality and is not interested in the personality of the partner, so such love can be extremely indistinct. Many at the same time have several “objects of love”, for each of which exorbitant requirements are advanced.

Scarce love can become the all -consuming need of a neurotic personality. When you feel like anyone, an empty place, I want to be “everyone” for someone. When we do not believe that we are worthy of love, our own feelings cause fear, and strangers – distrust. Everyone knows that “we are responsible for those who have tamed”, but many, especially women, are ready to play only the passive role of those who have been tamed. A scarce gloss in the eyes destroys the notorious female “riddle”, because it expresses a passionate desire, but not love, but needs to fill a shortage of shortage.

The strength of the weak

The selfless love that women are proud of is often only a way to feed low self -esteem from outside. This is a scarce love, although it is dressed in romantic clothes.

Culture ascribes to a woman masochism – humility, the desire for submission – claiming that such is its nature. In fact, nature requires equilibrium. Voluntarily humiliating herself, a woman compensates for her need for self -affirmation by sadistic manifestations, albeit in a hidden form. In such a family, the husband is often equated with property. And then you have to hear: “I hate him, but make him return”.

It seems that the role of the housewife’s service house forever assigns a humiliated position behind a woman, but this is not entirely. Even the clogged personality remains in the arsenal “Dog from below”. So in Gestalt therapy is the ability to insist on its own with https://rumahjurnal.com/2020/08/04/ethiopian-yirgacheffe-coffee-beans-2/ tears, complaints, illness, sighs, reminders of debts and victims. Even a lying patient can completely control the situation if he masterfully owns the role.

Когда человек встает в позу жертвы, окружающие оказываются в роли агрессоров. Hence the scandals, illogical requirements, blackmail. Love-victim ties a partner with a feeling of guilt. Life passes with the leitmotif “I gave everything to him”. It’s clear. So much effort was spent on the elimination of a deficit of love that I want to preserve at least its visibility. Rationalization of hidden aggression: “I was so often offended that I have the right to offend others;I often have to endure blows that I have the right to strike a preemptive blow. “.

The hollowing, infantile and limp “head of the family” and a woman, whose whole life comes down to find first, and then manipulate those whom she considers the ideal ”married couple. His personal qualities are not interested in anyone, he is not interested in his wife’s personality. Its advantages are just the lack of shortcomings: does not drink, does not beat, does not walk. “Real Man” runs out of work, fearing his wife’s tantrums about being late or beer mugs with friends. There is absolutely nothing to do at home;He does not know how to talk about feelings;He is not capable of helping the household and do with children, and the wife will not allow this;From solutions to family problems, it has long been suspended;no one except salary is coming from him. Since forty years he has problems with intimacy or fear of their possibilities. He annoys everyone with football and idleness.